JoUrnAl

DEEPENING   Its hard letting go Of someone you love Despite the chaos Turmoil Pain Of abuse Wilfully done To tame Even against non-consent  Shouted down protests And the anger Conditioning  Controlling  Limerence Trauma bonding  Unable to let go  Of the attachment Which the same person  And her flying monkeys Describe as a disorder Refuse to accept accountability Knowing gleefully She did this to me On purpose To stop me escaping After months of no contact The need to be with her Is constant My mind and the advice  Of therapists, counsellors, friends, experts Is have nothing to do with her Be grateful I got out They cannot understand How badly I need to be with her How constant the thoughts of her are Hoping she is okay Missing her Is physical pain Emotional and mental anguish For most of the year She was hell to be with Stress based I had two breakdowns in that time Because of her behaviour I rebuilt myself Stronger than ever And yet I cannot let go She has done this to other men Ther

WHAT BEING AN EMPATH IS Not being able to shut the door On constant waves Of feeling other peoples emotions As if they are my own All the emotional ranges So when people are in hate So when people are in love I feel it with them When feelings are uncomfortable I want to escape To settle into Harmony I really do not believe anyone else out there realises  How important Harmony is Being in Harmony It works at distance too When I focus on a person By thinking of them,  Feeling out to them I can feel where they are at The water of the body harmonises With the electrical spectrum of the central nervous system Hardwired to the brain And thus the Mind Here then a word, Telempathy   But there is a peculiarity When people have envy When people are horny  Comes across as a wall  These are emotions I cannot easily understand I try to What I find by being empathic Envy I do not feel for others so much Perhaps an aspect of autism Of the form I am diagnosed as Hate also is alien  Like seriously, wha

THE RESCUE After all this time I understand The shadow work  Done For now A healing   Much needed Thank you to your seeding Of the needing   To attend to   Damaged feelings After all this time I reach my hand Symbol for the Heart Always yours Which needed nurturing From wounds we shared Unintentionally And perhaps intentionally We were in too much pain Amplifying Between us After all this time Their voices fade away Envy, hatred, control, abuse The reptile assumption To tell us what to think How to feel, Who we are,   Who we should be with   These were never people we should listen to They have not our best interests at heart They fear the loss of our magic Which they feed on They fear we would outgrow them See through them After all this time I am wiser to them   Their power over me has waned I had to sacrifice you to do that As you sacrificed me to appease them After all this time I am checking in Because I care Because I love you Hoping you are doing alright Although we slammed the

The benchmark of value. I know what I am worth. I respect myself. Despite this, the only value I have to other people is what I am able to do for them or to show them. The stuff I have to show to other people so they value me is important. People say “every person has a book in them”. If people do not have a hardcopy of that book which they have already written, they do not have any value as an author with a commercial product.  This is the difference between showing and telling. In the telling is delusion. In the showing is evidence.  Your worth to other people is what you can show them you’re worth. Without that you are considered worthless by society.  It may have taken fifty years of experiences and study to become a zen master. In modern society that lifetime is of no value to anybody other than the zen master. It is of imperative value to the zen master. We must do both. The self and the self in service to others are the two hands of living. 

1 Association  The functional mind is associative. The community aware mind shares the same associations with others.  The ritual magician mind is associative, uses long-term associations, hardwires the associations. The chaos magician mind is associative uses temporary, short-term associations.  Associations are frames of reference.  They provide structure by the relationships between associated items.  It is an energy circuit.  All of the above is Yang. Assertive.  The below is Yin. Receptive.  The free mind is free of associations.  2 Energy The energy of a place affects us.  The energy of a thing affects us.  The energy of a person affects us.  Energy is vibrational. It is measurable in terms of frequency.  Even emotions and types of thoughts are precisely measurable as specific electronic frequencies.  Our intuition is sensitive to receiving and determining specific energetic frequencies.  Our being is a lightbody. Our kundalini is the energy flowing through the lightbody.  The li

I want to tell you a story  Happened a long time ago  About a time when I was forced to make a choice  between path A and path B What I did was I chose path D  Because path C was not an option I was happy with either  The people making me choose between path A or path B  could sort of almost understand path C  and could possibly come to terms with why I would choose that path  on the basis I did not want to be pressured into making a decision  But my choice of path D was so far beyond their comprehension  That they could not understand it  That was the lesson they needed to learn By attempting to imprison me inside a cage of their assumption  I was a slave who they could push into choosing the options they gave me  I showed them how much of a loss it was to them both  As a result of their disrespect for my freedom  My right to not be forced into such a situation  Then something eve more amazing happened  Because I had chosen path D  The universe went around like the World card of the T