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Deepening


DEEPENING

 


Its hard letting go

Of someone you love

Despite the chaos

Turmoil

Pain

Of abuse

Wilfully done

To tame

Even against non-consent 

Shouted down protests

And the anger

Conditioning 

Controlling 

Limerence

Trauma bonding 

Unable to let go 

Of the attachment

Which the same person 

And her flying monkeys

Describe as a disorder

Refuse to accept accountability

Knowing gleefully

She did this to me

On purpose

To stop me escaping

After months of no contact

The need to be with her

Is constant

My mind and the advice 

Of therapists, counsellors, friends, experts

Is have nothing to do with her

Be grateful I got out

They cannot understand

How badly I need to be with her

How constant the thoughts of her are

Hoping she is okay

Missing her

Is physical pain

Emotional and mental anguish

For most of the year

She was hell to be with

Stress based

I had two breakdowns in that time

Because of her behaviour

I rebuilt myself

Stronger than ever

And yet

I cannot let go

She has done this to other men

There is a network of us

She justifies it by saying

She is fed up of being dumped

And yet

It is exactly why we dump her

And it is exactly why we can’t

Move on

Get on with our own lives

Long after she is already 

Onto the next man 

The love for her is such

We accept that about her

The only tool we have
Is time 

The time it takes 

For attachment to soften

For distraction to take us

And perhaps

To meet someone else

Who can fuck some sense into us

The way she never did

But always promised to

And left us hoping 

She still might

I want her back

She does this

For understanding

To share how it feels

That so many of us

Have done this to her

Thus

Total power exchange

And a trail of broken people

This is not love

Neither was it asked for 

But it is a deepening 

And we will heal 

Before she does 



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