Book of Shadows

Ok on a different note, this post has more to do with the research and experience of dealing with magic, manifesting, petitioning, however we describe it. 

The picture is a scroll I put on my altar last year. I was burnt out at the time and not fully thinking what I was doing. I trust there is a reason for this I cannot see - perhaps simply to teach about how this stuff works and to be mindful. 

The universe does not discern between ‘I want’ and ‘I do not want’ it simple looks at whatever follows those words and gives us that. 

This was my mistake. 

I wil go through the items on the scroll one by one e relating to how they played out as experiences which affected myself and those around me. 

In August-September I was burnt out and I had a mental-emotional breakdown. 

My relationship with my then- fiancé never recovered. 

Rather than being supportive of me while I was seeing crisis teams and etc, she immediately had a fling with a guy called Chris which I forgave her for. 

It’s how I know she already monkeybranched again in March this year and why I have the opinion of her that I have previously presented, that despite her saying she wants monogamy she is not herself monogamous, she cheats. 

Anyway that’s only part of this shadow journal. 

By October last year  I was getting heavily into doing Reversal Magic and anti-hex magic. That’s a factor. It affected all our manifestations. I did it from protection because I had to, after asking everyone else not to involve me in their spell work. 

It affected my ex-fiancés love spells by reversing them. She became a hater. 

You mentioned that around that time you lost interest in your friends relationship. That’s also possibly from the reversal spell. 

Items on the scroll:

Compatible sex partner 

She did not give me consent to initiate sex. She did and then she retracted it. So I never did after that. Then she got bored because I did not initiate sex and I got frustrated because the only sex we had was the same ritual she does with every guy she is with. No variation. 

One time I did vary it and she was all sparkly eyed and happy about it but then she retracted consent again. 

What I mean by retracting consent is ‘don’t touch me’ and pushing me away when I try to hug her. It hurts when someone you love does that. She was Breadcrumbing her affection as a method of control. Writing this helps me to heal from it. 

If I had initiated sex more often it would have been very different. I have learned from this to be more daring. A previous partner has mentioned that to me too, after a night she went home disappointed because she expected me to initiate sex and I expected her to give me some sign of consent first. Apparently that she was there at all counts as non-verbal consent. 

But the scroll is confusing. The items I do not want were woven into the manifestation as if I had asked for them. 

I was owned. 

My time, my money, my energy and focus, all soaked up by her demands. She was already doing that which is why I made a point of it. She escalated that afterwards. It took until March this year after I had a weak immune system, caught covid, flu, dysentery all from her bringing all that into my house. As soon as I recovered enough for her to visit she brought another illness. 

I didn’t visit her in Swansea because when I got covid and was not well enough to take her kid up to bed and read him a story so I went home, she screamed at me down the street to never come near her or her kids again. Neighbours came out their front doors to witness the domestic incident. I went home did a cove test which proved positive. I was ill. She had zero empathy. 

I do want affluence. That, I am grateful for. I showed you the thing about the money coming in from benefits because of my being autistic. 

I want social respect and support from the community. 

So in September-October as well as having a fling with Chris, she met some of her neighbours who befriended her. They like art, forests, she has adhd which is on the adhd/autism spectrum, he collects tabletop wargaming models and his favourite game is necromunda the same as mine. It was two couples with the same interests and kids the same age. Perfect. It’s exactly what I asked for; community. 

But she disrespected me. She told me she would split me up with Leah and then she could texted Leahs mother and they all triangulated against me for false allegations made by my sons mother which had police involvement. 

I needed support and the friends I met through my ex fiancé turned around and stabbed me in the back. Kicked me while I was down. Went hystrionic and made false reports about me to social services to back up what my sons mother was doing with her false reports. my sons mother showed me some of the text conversation  they had after my ex fiancés friend contacted her. Sbe lied about how they even knew each existed. 

I was later validated and proved to have been moral and truthful all along despite all the false allegations. That my son now lives full time with me is the evidence of that. 

Now with all that crap off my back I have time focus and energy to be creative. 

Money is trickling in. As I build my empire using my creativity, that will increase. I’m not being bled dry by me ex fiancé and her kids any more which helps. 

And so that’s the story of what happens when sending mixed messages in manifesting. 

I have since written a new scroll with more focus and only mentioning the good things. 

And as soon as I did that ex fiancé and I split up. By my asking the Great Spirit for compatibility and mutual support.