Last night was hard work.
And the night before that.
I am nocturnal because suffering a witch to live has given me a trauma attachment disorder which is difficult to detox from.
I love her and I miss her and I want her back despite the many issues and difficulties which beset our relationship such as her family pressuring her to play their controlling games and her fake friends manipulating her under the guise of protecting her from her dedicated boyfriend.
Insisting she put me first didn’t work because she had too much pressure to think differently to that so it because I was exhausting myself trying to please her by looking after her kids for absolutely no reward at all other than the pleasures of doing that but at the cost of so much stress which when I asked to reduce the stress it was filtered by her fake friends brainwash that I was trying to control her - when it was them who were trying to control her and damage our relationship.
Then I got long-covid followed by water infection followed by flu followed by dysentery, all of which I caught from spending time in Swansea and hanging out with people who interpret my needing a well deserved break and a bit of love occasionally to be a problem to them.
Any attempt to communicate with her parents asking for them to help with the situation was interpreted as I was being a psycho causing problems for them which her fake friends amplified by lying to her parents about me.
They all chose to create stress because they all believe it’s acceptable to control people and to get rid of my exes chosen fiance. She needs help with childcare and I’m the only one do all of us with childcare qualifications. It’s Wales though so they’re all afraid of men involved in and experienced in childcare.
So the relationship fell apart.
Because of stress which I got blamed for trying to get rid of it by pointing out who was creating it in the first place, wasn’t me. I simply needed a break. My GP and mental health advisors all said that. So:
A month after we split up I am back in the gym for the first time since Autumn 2022 when I had covid for the first time and was too weak to go to gym.
I’ve levelled up a lot in a few days. My immunity is boosted from workouts, all the endorphins and seretonin and dopamine and hormones. I’ve been doing 10K steps a day for the past week too. I’m happier than I have been since 2022 even without the occasional sex bit of sex my ex threw my way when her 3 year old didn’t interrupt us which he did 4/5 times we tried that.
The machines in the photo are for building muscles on the lower spine which helps tremendously with sciatica; a forward bend machine, a glute machine which pulls your butt cheeks tight and goes all the way up to the middle of your back and down into your thighs which helps with sciatica, and then two machines for inner thighs, adductor and abductor I think they’re called, they are good too. In a few sessions of these and all the walking in now running up hills again.
I wish I had been this fit while I was with my ex, it would have helped a lot. Her demands of the relationship took over my life. She wanted me to move in with her to help and it would have helped us bond deeply.
I imagine she’s honeymooning with her new guy already and had forgotten all the help j in gave her because to get over me requires slagging me off and her echo-chamber supporting that.
They didn’t like me because they stereotyped me, they thought I came from a town which I have been to about half a dozen times in the last eighteen months even though I’m not from there and I avoid it as much as I can.
They blame me for trying to sort her life out by getting her to quit vaping, they see that as controlling abusive behaviour. Dealing with people like that is exhausting.
I’m trying to assess the situation without the eyes of love blinding me to the harsh home truths of why I am better off without her. It’s part of letting her go.
Pushing weights in the gym is shifting my energy, I can feel my aura re-aligning like a kaleidoscope, like those Chaldean tones with the sand vibrating on a speaker as its pattern changes when the pitch rises and forms different alignments.
The self-harmony of any individual attracts those in harmony with it. When we’re out of self-harmony we attract chaos.
Gym causes holistic harmony.
Another great thing about the gym is two days ago I met some guys in there who know me who were happy to see me and discussed water powered engines and yesterday I met my D&D friend who absolutely is the red haired berserk Dwarf from Warhammer and his beard has grown even longer since I last saw him two years ago, and he’s doing gym coaching!
Suddenly I have a life back again after miserable the loss of the love of my life and I’m optimistic about life again.
The gym after midnight helps with insomnia too when it’s quiet and I can focus.
This is when I realise, everyone I met in Swansea with one exception (who is also a Warhammer guy) is depressive.
This is when I realise I’m healed after the relationship breakup.
I hope she is too.
I still love her even though we split up.
I want her back in a heartbeat.
For once I’m putting my own needs first, my own health first. It’s when I realise it’s not my loss.
She could be coming to the gym with me now too had she moved in with me, instead of trusting the GP to double her dose of antidepressants. I want her to stop taking them altogether and actually sort her life out, to get off cheap chemical drugs that side effects famously make people get angry for no reason.
Surrounding myself with health means dropping all the depressive people from my life the same as I had to do when I quit cannabis addiction twenty years ago.
I’m turning my life around.
I’m eating salads every day.
I’m trusting the universe to help with this healing process.
Perhaps even bring me a new partner or get my ex to heal herself enough she can come and join me at this level of harmony.
I’m writing this with a body full of endorphins from a workout. It changes how the brain works, how the metabolism works.
The culture I grew up in of druggy people including my own mother were prejudice against the gym so it took me a lot to get myself in there at all. I wish I’d started putting my health first when I was a teenager I seat of waiting until my mid 40s.
It’s never too late.
It’s never too late to fix a broken relationship either. All it takes is both people wanting that outcome and dissolving any differences and animosity.
This is health.
You know this is health.
I’m grateful and I feel blessed to be in this situation after so much hardship and stress.
Most of which was absorbed from dysfunctional people who do not know what they are doing but assume to judge and control other people around them to keep them ground down into misery too.
Wales 2024.
We do not level up when we are in our comfort zone. We level up outside of our comfort zone. The same in the gym as in a relationship.
My ex put me through hell and now having done the shadow-work I am so much stronger for that. I love her even more. I love that she put me through hell.
I understand now why narcissism is necessary and how it relates to social change admire of us heal by processing the old wounds and simultaneously deciding to never put dysfunctional people in control of our lives.
Pluto went into Aquarius this week and will be moving through it for the next ten years. What this means is more and more individuals and then consequentially the whole culture will shift toward dropping all irrelevant and unnecessary crap out of our attentions.
The old systems will crumble and be replaced by more liberal, humane systems because there is a need for that. Everything which does not serve the medicine journey will become detached from.
Our attitudes will shift toward seeing the silver linings and growing stronger from the hardships. We will understand the hardships in the context of them being necessary to liberate us even when they might at first appear to be repressive.
Discipline is heavily involved with that.
Swallow the frog or stagnate.
We don’t want to stagnate and we can’t. We have to do the work but it’s okay we accept it takes the time it takes and will learn to enjoy it. That’s how we will change. Acceptance. And then, Forgiveness and then, Gratitude.
All the people who hurt us because they were in pain we couldn’t help them with because they could not yet let go of it, will be seen as our teachers for helping us process that pain into compassion.
Crushing coal into diamond.
But we need to remember to take breathing space, to create time out to recharge our energy. It’s Aquarius it’s an air sign. The stale air will be farted out and so the pure air can flow.
A lot of people are going to die in the next decade and with them the structures of Mind which have held us all into limitation will die with them. Thankfully.
And that’s only going to gain momentum.
But steady with it, inhale and pause, exhale and pause. Those pauses are important processing time.
Written 3.5.2024 originally posted on Facebook
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