Vamp Note

I’ve had too much heartache. I’ve given up. You have been wonderful at keeping me from throwing myself off a cliff for the past month. You’re the best friend. I know I’ve been difficult. She broke me and you have been putting me back together. You’re a truly amazing guy for so many reasons. 

I’m exhausted. From crying. From pushing my body hard to punish myself for fucking it up with her. From compromising with my teenager. From the same routine and the same shitty town. From being hypersexual from childhood sexual abuse and having to repress that for so many years and then getting into sexless relationships with women who only want money and servitude. I’m tired from living in a place which I’m too tired to tidy up properly. I’m tired of people. Of the way we do things in our civilisation. Of not having focus to write and then bombarding you with massive text messages. Of soaking up toxic vibes from social media. 

As I’m realising what I need is something to pierce deep into me to change my perspective and that I’m asking for venom I remember something the Christian’s were discussing at the church in their code language about instilling in newcomers salt to give them a thirst for it. They’re praying for me I can feel it. 

The venom I need is light, not more toxins. I don’t like the salt analogy much because it’s cultish. I need to be forgiven for hurting her but she did deserve it for being a thief.

I was trying to groom her to be a bride after she asked me to ask her to marry her. Like it’s okay for a guy to groom a woman to prepare for her to be a wife, that’s part of the deal. That’s why he is called the groom. 

She’s really difficult to do that because she’s a Domina so I had to metaphorically slap her to get her to realise how what she is doing is antisocial behaviour disorder and she needs to value her boyfriends instead of abusing them. 

I’m tired of wallowing. I can sense her too when she’s thinking of me and trying to get over me. She’s finding it difficult too, in some moments. She still reaches out with her telepathic senses and immediately I want to melt into her and make things good for us both on all levels of being because there is genuine love there. 

The sort of love between closely married couples. But our fucking trauma conditioning and the compromises we have to make to please other people and their toxic pressure, and our own stupidity has put us in a situation where that tenderness we can only get from each other is something we feel we have  to reject to make us whole where the truth is we trusted each other enough to access that and it did help make us whole. And sometimes it’s still there and that’s when we miss each other the most. 

It’s attachment disorder. It’s a fault. Society teaches us that intimacy and happiness with each other is something we are not allowed and have to repress, that we are mentally ill, broken and need fixing. It’s the same thing which strong couples draw strength from and empower each other and themselves, it’s home.

 

I did not believe I was worth her. Then when I realised how difficult she was making my life I realised I need better than her. And then I realised were the same and we had it good and it was other people and having to compromise with other people is the root of where we went wrong. 

I tried to discuss that. 

We needed more time alone together. 

Then things like, she’s a stoner and I don’t want drugs in my house. That’s an incompatibility. I could have taken advantage of that and used her as a sex toy while she was stoned and perhaps she expected me to and that’s what she wanted of me. There was no discussion of that though. 

It was her dominating that she’s going to do whatever she wants and I have to adapt to her. I felt it to be a boundary violation. I felt taken for granted. And her stealing. It was a shit relationship for me. Perhaps I should have been more confident in initiating sex with her and then we would both have been more happy. It’s caused me to focus on unpacking that. I’ll discuss it with my therapist this week. 

It’s been a major issue for me in a lot of relationships. How am I supposed to know if she’s given consent for me to try to turn her on if she hasn’t? Just because she said yes a week or two ago doesn’t mean it’s the same now. How do confident guys work? Internet experts say they take what they want. Feminists say that’s toxic masculinity. Women complain and dump you if you don’t do it. People get out in jail for sexual assault if they do. 

I want God to come into my heart and fix me so I know how to be with women. I don’t believe sex is satanic I believe it’s part of the divine natural order and a spiritual sacrament and a purpose of our having been blessed with bodies which are sexual. 

It’s hardly like I’m addicted to it, even when I was I a relationship with a hot horny woman like her, we hardly ever did it and when we did her kid stopped it by coming into the room and pushing us apart. 

It was a shit relationship with someone I cherish and adore more than I know how to do anything about that. All I could do was look after her kids and fund her to show her how much I love her by being practical about it. But I was unfulfilled. Sexually, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, all it taught me was for a good relationship find someone else. 

She so soft and so sweet and I’ve never known that comfort as the couple of times we did connect. She bound me to her and then controlled me with it. The whole story is those few moments of comfort cost me so much pain. 

She wants me to die for her and I would. At the moment I actively want to. Her energy contains a lot of ego death. She wants a mindless zombie slave which means destroying the guy. The sexual imprinting she’s put on me is telepathic and she’s still working me. Self destructive urge to cease existing. I think I need sleeping pills. 

I think I’m being made to understand why she smokes and how difficult it is for her to quit. It’s a huge fact of why we split up. I don’t want to date a smoker and she doesn’t want to quit and thinks it’s wrong of me to have a negative opinion of that. She’s right but so am I. Incompatible. 

We should have fucked more. The only satisfaction for the craving is to let it take control. The addictive frequency, she sends that to me when she thinks of me. She’s doing energy work on me. 

She wants men to be addicted to her. She’s the version of Galadriel who did take Frodos ring and used it to become a Queen who causes all men to love her and despair. That’s exactly what this is. 

I don’t know how to get out of it. How to avoid her vibing at me or at least how to use that to get her to come home to me for a forgiveness session whatever that would be like. 

So I harden up. 

She’s gone she was too toxic and she failed the truth test. 

Let go and detach. 

She’s my Twin Flame though. My mind and my heart immediately reflex that she’s mine and cause me to understand how strong that is so I begin to believe in it. I didn’t believe in it before because she never had time for me. I was the last option in her list of who she should check in with. 

She’s got more validation by dumping me than she did from me despite all I did for her. What did she do for me? She made a man of me. She healed my childhood trauma. She’s my best friend. I can’t cope with that she has gone. 

This is a really hard breakup. 

I’m still crying. 

This is her punishment for me not having been more of a slave to her every whim. I want to overdose on her and die and failing that it’s better to jump off a cliff because I really can’t cope with this. 

It’s been five or six weeks and she’s gone so much deeper than I knew I could go. Which is a teaching in the depth of us. She’s causing me to grow. 

But I’m growing in her image and that’s the reborn because it means I won’t be suitable for any other woman. So I have to live with this now. It’s too intense. 

I can’t heal. She’s taken my healing energy again that’s what she just did to me. She’s a vampire. She reached out to me and made me despair so she could feel better about herself. She’s vampiric and a thief and heartless to do this to men. 

So I will break and do what so many people have done before in this situation which is to turn the pain into hate. A refined hate. 

Then I will begin to understand her better. The other shows she made me watch are about revenge against men. 

All the wasted hours of tv when I could have been writing or we could have been talking or making love. She’s got a shit lifestyle. 

But who am I to judge? 

All I do is cry and walk and benchpress. And text my mate endless messages about my lost love so much he blocked my number tonight because the sympathetic counselling hasn’t fixed it no matter how brave a smile I put on my face. 

I can’t be bothered to do that any more. 

I think this might be my suicide note. 

Shit.