Overcoming

 

Although they made me, these books frightened me because they were about destabilisation. I had it recognised that for a long time by which time I felt my life was mostly done. Letting go of who I had become gave me a new lease of life finally undamaged from the things I had assimilated as a child. 

The power of books on the imagination which projects into the world to manifest experiences. It is little wonder I have been fraught so long by abrasive experiences. 

Only this year as I and others assimilate the diagnosis of high functioning autism can I began to gain hope the world is not at odds with me as it has been. A more accurate navigation. An understanding with what I am and what I am dealing with and for others to orientate around that. It helps tremendously. It is the hanging of a tool on the right hook, putting a thing in place where it belongs that it is not out of place. 

My, how they have hated upon the round peg which simply refused to go into the square hole they forced me to contend with even against my protests. 

I travelled Gormenghast and Lovecraft, Brave New World and 1984, Naked Lunch and Clockwork Orange Metamorphosis and The Outsider. I was proud of my journeys especially so as I travelled them at a young age, before I came of age. These were my transition books from a childhood spent in Narnia and Middle Earth and Watership Down all before puberty. 

I absorbed the mindset throughout which are existentialist, about alienation of the individual, about despair against a cruel external world into which we are irrelevant.  These, I was told, literary classics which present accurately yet symbolically how Life is. A struggle. I was warned in school by Shakespeare what happens when we vye for power, the terrible consequences of attempting to teach beyond our own piteous fief. 

From all that came a persona, understanding the basis on which post- WorldWar One and Two had emerged into the freedom and libertarianism of the modernist sixties, hippy seventies, glossy electro eighties, grunge nineties, bringing about an inevitable retribution against that freedom and libertarianism in that it had come at the cost of ongoing war (Vietnam, Falklands, Iraq), of pollution (petro-plastic), of starvation (Africa, Cuba) , of disease (Aids). The four horsemen of the Apocalypse had survived beyond the thousand years of medieval religious superstition which had spawned them. They were alive now and ruling unabashed. The television told it multisensory. By 2020 I had the covid-19 strain of SARS virus even after the global lockdowns, long-covid, then a milder strain of the same. It damaged my brain. 

I was born twenty-three years before the Millennium Y2K and I was reborn twenty-three years after it. If I live another twenty-three years before dying I shall laugh at the appropriateness of a life neatly divided into pi especially so given my date of birth is sixth of ninth. It is as Nikola Tesla famously said, you only have to look to these three numbers (369) to understand the secret of the universe. 23 is the number of new beginnings, the pause for breath between chapters or cycles or levels. It’s why the Major Arcana has a harmonic of twenty-two. 

This year my brain reborn, 2024, momentum gathers as I enter the world I live in now, become the person I am to be for the next cycle. Shedding the skin of the past is to let go of the books which imprint affected me before this time of reconditioning. There is a difference in me now. With the old structures gone the old story is no longer being told. 

I have learned to have trust in the universe to provide, a sense amplified the more I give rather than hurt from not having received that which I have needed. The universe has responded by working with me on this one. It is providing. The change can be confusing because attachments to the past are inhibiting. Clear vision is necessary. I am being recognised for expertise. So much of my focus now shows how I have somehow kept my heart throughout the difficult desert years. 

The hate is gone, love remains. These are the elements for change. Acceptance and Forgiveness and Gratitude were the path of becoming here. 

By doing the skills in a zen state instead of resentment and pressure to force me to perform them. Before enlightenment, paint picture, teach art. After enlightenment, paint picture, teach art. 

Who would I have become had I not absorbed lessons from depressive authors and from a father who raised me as his canvas with intention to turn me into his paintbrush? 

Who would I have become had I a mother who was interested in me at all other than to reject and resent me, without a brother who stole from me and framed me for his own crimes and got away with it, was protected from my protestations? 

Lamentations get us nowhere but more suffering. I learned the hard way before finally my elbows raw but hard with grit and concrete of the urban floor my face was ground down into, we’re strong enough to prise me up and sprout feathers into wings. Angels are born of passion and of pain. They crack the world in their making because the world is a distortion of the truth and needs repairing. To flow through unquestioning, endless love is the healing. This is what we become by doing the work we must do. 

What would I have become without external influences to shape me before I chose at last to take over hell and rule as the only viable option to escape it and return to heaven? 

Christian metaphors a useful tool to express the Human condition. This is existentialism applied, no longer the despair of the twentieth century but now fuelled with empowerment of knowing the reflection of myself and my intention is the nature of the malleable substrata beyond my inhibitions. 

Overcoming limitations.