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Journal 2025.3.20


Journal 2025.3.20



today I was woken at 7.15 am by the school welfare officer asking if I’m available today so she can do a welfare spot check on my autism/pda son whose attendance is next to zero. 


I could not get back to sleep so I had a hot salt bath to relax my muscles, which hurt constantly especially my legs and my back. I woke with more mucus and worse breath than usual. It is pleurisy from long-covid. I coughed up half an egg cup of it. Why I ache is because not enough oxygen is getting to where it needs to go. 


I contemplated phoning the doctors about it, had an attack of imposter syndrome, low self-esteem anxiety disorder and decided not to, simply because I do not have the energy to cope with talking with anybody. This is a recognised diagnostic symptom of Autism. 


There is no pulling myself together. What energy I have is burned up very very quickly attempting tasks like making a cup of tea which causes me to need to go back to bed because my body can’t handle anymore. I dehydrate and I’m about to collapse as a result of this. I’m caught in a place between being grateful to the school welfare officer for getting me up early enough to do extra things in the day, and being pissed off that she woke me up so early because it means now I won’t be able to do anything today, as I haven’t had enough rest, which I need to function. 


I did not get to sleep till late last night because of my son’s insomnia keeping me up. We were in separate rooms, yes, but his energy field is coming through the wall and affecting me. Not criticising him, it’s simply existential. Our aura’s overlap and because I do not have much energy, little tiny things seem huge. 


Thought about boiling an egg for breakfast but my body rejects the idea of food. I don’t have enough energy to cook it and my body doesn’t have enough energy to eat it and digest it. I need more rest first. So I’m doing some meditation time with all the doors and windows open to let some fresh air blow through. The moving air helps tremendously. 


Soft gentle breathing is all I can manage. It’s literally all I am capable of right now. I’m talking into the phone because it’s something at least. Something to measure this moment in my life and to express to other people what it’s like for me. Physically it’s a bad day. Emotionally, I’m okay, meditating, simple yoga breathing. Perhaps that’s all I meant to do today. 


When I look at the phone, it’s 9:20 am which means it’s been nearly 2 hours since I woke. In that time, I’ve had a bath, made a cup of tea, and made this voice to text note. That’s the speed I’m working at. Slow motion because I don’t have any energy and I hurt all over. This is a bad day, but it is like this most days, just not so severe. Most days I get more hours sleep. 


I am slowly giving up. 





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