Journal 2026/7/31

 

Journal 2026/7/31

They hoped I had the same morality as them. Buy their goods and stay quiet about it. Provide entertainment along the way. A level of social trust with hard lines, insider outsider. Need to know basis. Very Cancerian. I care for the in group. Tribalism. A family. People who are supportive. 

I was picking up a lot of strangeness from them. Testing, comments which were seeking to watch by my reaction what I knew and how much could I be trusted. Even after years as their paranoia grew in line with their reputation and the dark experiences they’d had to swallow and were keeping us from, and the dark experiences we had been through together. Some of the stuff they were into was a lot harder than I was ready to know about. No wonder people turn to drugs as escapism and an attempt at healing by going sideways from themselves. Religious people do that too. It’s the opposite to Jungian philosophy, confront and assimilate the shadow self through acceptance forgiveness and gratitude. Here it is about finding a space where the wind stops raging, can at the centre of the storm, emotions which settle into a level you can cope with, for now at least. Seeking that healing sense of permanence, the universe got your back, it I’ll give you what you ask for. It was vitamineral deficiency. Only ever really felt homely from a well made bowl of broth. I was older before I found out how to make that for myself and that’s half the trick, doing it for yourself so your energy is in it. Borrowing other peoples levels is only ever temporary, it keeps the wind blowing because it’s always going to fall along the wayside, eventually. You know that and you can’t trust it fully even when you rely on it for years. I’d hoped the state would become a thing like that, eventually. It wasn’t. Beyond the drugs, the ups and downs, the predictable cycles, we all just enated to feel normal and safe inside, deserving of love our hardcore images prevented us from fully embracing. We needed harder people because we needed company which could cope with the levels we had been to. So we hardened up through experiences, our crew got a reputation, names known by those we’d never meet or hear of. I didn’t like it. I got more reclusive the further our reputation spread and mutated until it got out of hand. Wanted to chill, make music, get a girlfriend. In the end they summoned a demon for me to entertain me but she was twisted and I didn’t like it. Someone else’s plan for my life broke my life and that’s the story of my life right there in a cobweb, dusty forgotten and ignored in an empty crumbling building from the old days where the whitewashed plaster crumbles off the walls and falls to dust, damp, moss and stunted nettles as the time goes by. 

By then I’ve long gone, moved on to something else, doing the same thing someplace else, with less resources and less people coming through my door. Less money now than back when I was popular and couldn’t get a day alone to recharge my batteries and if I did people would complain about me taking their entitlement to drink my soul away from them and blaming me for having an addictive personality. I hated popularity. It’s why I stopped going out and stopped gigging. I kept on writing, mostly ad distraction trying to achieve a pointless thing, the for-profit novels watered down from what was cool but which nobody wanted to read. I got the internet and started offloading in a blog which became increasingly popular as it grew. I hate co cede now that people actually do want my shit and it means they like me, more than I have liked myself for the longest time. I haven’t been happy since the nineties when I got away from the family home and was in a stable long-term functional partnership with a woman who, well, we loved each other and we fucked a lot and everything was exciting despite us being skint and hedonistic. We traveled and experienced stuff outside normative reality but then shit hit the fan hard and it traces back to a mindset inherited from ancestry colluding to control by taking our power for themselves and bleeding it dry until we withered. We both went though it. She hit the bottle and ex-cons for porn while I went to ghosts and music. None of what we did was worth it in the long run. She chased dollar and I chased knowledge. Took me a long time to find out what’s really worth knowing is what I’d had to start with. A child’s heart which trusts the universe to nurture it through life. 

Something shifted this year. They’ve pulled the stake out so I can feel warm again. It might be temporary but it’s a relief. Being whole and wholesome is a  rare and precious thing. It’s all I ever really wanted. I’m flirting with it, it might go away again. I choose to allow it to envelope me softly and stay as a permanent fixture. Not used to being this happy. Must have hit a benchmark somehow or the astrology has shifted gear at last, overdue for some feelgood. Out of Cancer, into whatever’s next. It’s been cold a long, long time. Street hardness is a hells game. Probably it means I’m not long for this earth. Being rewarded in my last days with a final blast of reconnection of who I used to be back when the world was supportive, It feels like I’ve been accepted. Not get this for a long time, only by tricksters welcoming me in with dagger eyes to exploit me. Can laugh about that now, from here. Where to go from here? 

Cancer into Aquarius is an end to Victorian compartmentalism, it becomes the interchangeability of individuals through whom tokens flow. A change in the way of being. The globalists attempting to push communism on us all, the Islamist is attempting to push that on a soul, those are old world systems. They’re not aquarium systems. They bare similarities. They’re also compartmentalised. The symbol for the age of Pisces is Christ, Islam was its shadow. That’s not going to last long into the next 2600 years cycle. The last mad desperate attempts of the old world order to grip its fist tightening control means it can hold onto less. It is formed a fist which means the old world will go out with a bang not a fizzle. The roots of the New World, the foundations for it, while I’m using the wrong language here. Aquarius is about flow and transition. The polarity of cancer is us versus them. If there is a polarity in Virgo, it’s a mutable one, between the individual and the collective. There are less hard lines. Of course, what it will emerge to be eventually is quite different from how it appears now, it will shift over the course of generations in our understanding as that plays out. The mechanic of change is something which occurs within us as if a magnet has been switched in our brain from one alignment to another. It changes how we cognate. The way our thoughts work is different depending which era we typify. When you understand it is magnetic is it easy to see the torsion field some measurable in terms of pressure, flow, electrical charge generated, direction, so many other measurable factors. We’re going through a time of polar ation towards a time off rapid interchange. It’s an air sign. We’re going from a sign which has built a shell to protect itself and which is compressed by emotion, symbolise by the ocean, which has limited ability to interact with the external and is designed to scuttle sideways rather than forward flow motion. Aquarius is quite different, it’s flying, it’s Mind, it’s in intuition. The crab sheds it shell to discover it has wings, it can bear it softness openly without having to be weighed down by heavy armour. It can go to where it needs to although, with unlimited directions possible, it’s confusing as to where it needs to. The surge of the mass controls this more than the choice of an individual but, just as one B can change the dance of the entire hive, everyone becomes a guru as the latest newest thing causes rapid change to the collective understanding. The validity of the individual and of the collective are equally as important and how they shape on another. Looking out for each other rather than exploitation becomes a natural natural way. We do not need a guru or a religion for our instincts to tell us what is the right thing to do. Acceptance, forgiveness, gratitude. The distilled wisdom of the Christian era being applied by everybody to ensure everybody’s needs are met. The application of the happy dream. The freedom to be who we are. The provision of Maslow’s hierarchy of basic needs. Overcoming the envy and the greed which cause disharmony in our communities and a false sense of evaluation of the individual who has less than is sufficient for their feelgood. 

This is idealism. 

Men need sex and women need to feel safe. Men need to build and wrestle for their confidence, women need to communicate and feel part of the group. Everyone needs to be respected for what they are naturally and not for the masks they’re forced or choose to wear which builds a wall of fakery. That Cancerian shell is dissolving. Truth is the heart, it’s softer than we are used to and stronger than physics. No more the masquerade. 

I have suffered extreme hardship. Socially, financially, physically, biologically, reputational, through loss and prejudice and sufferance. In this moment which may last I can tell it in words the way which feels most acute. A sharing of woe because I need to. There have been good times. 

My child! I regret I could not have more, this life path has been beset by problems from … other peoples greed and envy, manifest as controlling and abusive behaviour all along the way. I’m proud of my son for his nature and his accomplishments, his courage and level headed. He’s been through a lot of hardship for his young years. It’s turned him into a hero. All I can do is support him as best as I’m able. The younger generations are the most important thing. It’s what it all comes down to, ultimately.